Kibara is now The Web Bandit

It is with some sadness that I announce that this blog has moved to the following address The Web Bandit . Cheers all

>> Animals leaving Kenya in droves

December 18, 2005

The animals are leaving kenya

The Kenya Wildlife Service (KWS) reports that Kenyan wildlife are leaving in droves and streaming into the Tanzanian side of the border. Wildlife experts are baffled at the great migrations that are coming at unnatural months from the usual. Initially, there was fear that animals were fleeing a new outbreak of bird flu. The animal haemorrhaging from the Kenyan side of the border was reported to have started on the evening Wednesday December 7, 2005.

Iko Matata!: Kalembe Ndile is in charge of kenyan wildlife

It has since been established that the main reason the animals are escaping was the announcement of the president's new cabinet. It turns out that one Kalembe Ndile was appointed assistant minister in charge of wildlife in the ministry of tourism and wildlife. This is the first link of intelligent animal behaviour since several simians were photographed using clubs in the Congo recently.

This quickly raised this reporter's antenna. Recently the local news reported that gun runners are using every means at there disposal. The police showed an amazing view where guns and bullets were hidden in stacks of trays used to store chicken eggs.

However, with the new link in animals' intelligence, one cannot rule out fowl play. Maybe it's not the gun runners but it's actually the chickens that are running the weapons in readiness for... Christmas season perhaps? As many know, the Christmas season is a really sad time for the chicken race in Kenya . Genocide (or perhaps chickenocide) is the only word for the killings that are perpetrated by Kenyans in the name of celebrating the birth of Christ.

The chicken commandoes are coming!
Perhaps the chickens are slowly amassing weapons to prepare for a pre-emptive strike (George W. style) on the carnivorous humans. All I can say is be careful this Christmas dear Kenyans. The chickens are onto us... and they may be packing real bad weapons…

>> How the banana would have won the referendum...

Kibaki made a major blunder with the referendum. As for as I am concerned, the only way to win was to use this as the ballot paper…

Men: Yes:a hottie No: an ugly man in a wig.


Women : Yes:Denzel Washington No: ugly man in a wig who is without doubt some freak gay dude

The men's ballot paper

With such a ballot paper, how could the banana team lose?  Well in another related look at the Referundum and its aftermath...

There's this new TV show on KTN called Jeremiah. I watched the premier episode a few weeks ago and the concept is pretty cool. The idea is that there was a virus that was released into the atmosphere that killed everyone who was above the age of puberty in what was called the big death. I watched as Luke Perry and Malcolm Jamal Warner tried to convince us about a world where they grew without adults. A very interesting concept.

Njenga Karume, David Mwenje and Kalembe Ndile Survivors of Kibaki's "big death"

The big death came to Kenya recently. President Mwai Kibaki seemed to have been fed up with opposition in his cabinet and inflicted the “big death” also known as the “big sacking” upon all his ministers and assistant ministers. In the new cabinet recently announce, there were several people who emerged unscathed by and some even got promotions. They include Njenga Karume, Kalembe Ndile and Daudi Mwenje. Anyone living in Kenya knows that these are individuals who would never get into any cabinet except in Kibaki's beleaguered one.

What is my take on the new cabinet? Honestly, I believe that Kibaki made the best decision for Kenya , to select people loyal to his to his cabinet. I don't understand for the life of me where dudes decided one day that all politicians have to be in one party. We need opposition in Kenya for our nascent democracy to thrive.

Thus there should be one or two major parties for Kenyans to choose their president. Here is what I can see as the parties in Kenya come 2007 and beyond. Kibaki and the NARC Kibakistas, Orange Democratic Movement (ODM) and KANU. That is quite good. No need for some stupid Government of National unit as far as I am concerned.

My only problem is that I do not know what all these politicians stand for. What is the ODM about? And NARC? What bout KANU? No copy and paste of their ideologies and manifestos. Go to the drawing board and sell!

To Kibaki, well done. You did your best although this is surely your only term in office. We shall miss your infuriating aloofness when the new guys come in.

>> Delegations: Will Kibaki never learn?

December 3, 2005 President Kibaki has been acting very funny since he sacked his cabinet. The man must really be pissed! In selecting his new cabinet, he seems to have gone on meetings with everyone under the sun EXCEPT the orange movement bosses. It's amazing. In the last week he has met Ex-Prezzo Moi, Bishops, Coke guys, you name them. For information of the new Kenyan cabinet, please talk to the following delegations and dignitaries the president is expected to meet to discuss the way forward for Kenya in this http://kibara.blogspot.com exclusive.

Pres. Kibaki: To meet several delegations to iron out new cabinet list

 

Monday, 5th December

10:00am A high level delegation of Sunday school teachers from Kathiani to discuss cabinet reshuffle and which is the best chorus; "yote yawezekana kwa imani" or "baraka za mungu kweli ni za amani".

12:00pm A high level delegation of Ushers from Jesus is alive ministries to discuss cabinet formation and which are the best ways to help the faithful find their pews without annoying them and ensuring that all seats are filled.

02:30pm A high level delegation of touts from the Matatu Owners Association to discuss cabinet reshuffle and which colour is best for makanga uniform. Purple or fusia?

Tuesday, 6th December

10:00am A high level delegation of Nairobi Mechanics to discuss cabinet outlook and what is the best colour to spray paint car number 1.

12:00pm A high level delegation of Nursery school kids from Mombasa to discuss cabinet changes and which is cooler; "Samurai Jack", "Ed, Edd and Eddy" or "Power Puff Girls"?

02:30pm A high level delegation of Changaa brewers from Western Kenya to discuss cabinet reshuffle and which is more potent Kumi kumi or Maliza.

6:55 Random caller on the Safaricom network. A caller will be called and asked "huyu ni nani?" When he/she asks excitedly "Is this packson? Have I won? Am I a millionare?", He will be informed that "This is emilio and you have a won a trip State house to discuss the cabinet reshuffle. Please report to the nearest government office immediately. Thank you."

Wednesday, 7th December

9:00am meeting with random Safaricom caller to discuss the new cabinet line up and what he/she expects. Also which tarriff he thinks would be appropriate for a head state- terrific or jambo?

11:00am Stroll down to Nairobi Primary school and discuss cabinet reshuffle with Standard 3 North students. They are expected also to discuss which the hottest game... FIFA World cup 2005 or mortal combat. The best Pizza toppings from Debonaires will also be in the agenda.

02:30pm A meeting with random surfers at Realtime cyber cafe in Nairobi 's Lornho house to discuss the cabinet make up. Here the president is also expected to join surfers at the mashada.com chat room and enter discussions as to the new cabinet line up and the hottest Kenyan bloggers. Is it the Diary of a mad Kenyan woman, Msanii or Mshairi?

05:00pm Record new cabinet positions with PPS's Isaiah Kabirah in attendance. All in session to be sworn to secrecy on pain of death (Nyayo house basement still there).

06:55pm Call the orange democratic movement. He asks the orange team by speakerphone how they have been and they shouldn't be so lost. He asks them to excuse him as he wants to watch the news.

07:00pm Watching himself as he announces on KBC TV the new cabinet.

>> We are Kenya , forever Kenya ...

November 30, 2005

It seems like Kenya breweries, sorry East Africa breweries, have the pulse on the nation yawa! As the referendum came and went, they started airing that "we are Kenya " advert of theirs that we all love so much. I don't know about anyone else but as soon as I see that advert, I just want to swallow several Tuskers (in spite my being a malt man this month). It just bring feelings of patriotism to the surface and I want to take part in the nations favourite pastime (nope... not the footie, volleyball or sepatacro!) i.e. alcohol binging. It seems that that British pastime is still with us over 40 years after they left foreign affairs and defence matters in our hands over 42 years ago.

The patriotism seems to have seeped to Ukambani where several chaps have died drinking a brew called "maliza". Yes that's Swahili for "finish". I don't get Kenyans. How can you in your right mind order a brew called finish. I can just see someone checking into a pub and saying "gimme the finishing brew!" Talk about a dude with a suicide wish already.

Kalonzo Banks, Raila 50 cent, Uhuru "Young Buck"

Jebii "Olivia" Kilimo

About the patriotism, it's been a few days since the 21st. This is the day that the sky didn't fall on our heads as the ndizi constitution was rejected by Kenyans. It was a very painful process if you ask me. As a banana man I have been in mourning as I wondered what could have gone wrong. I watched the results coming in on that Monday night until the wee ours of the morning on NTV. And as the results came in, the pain in my gut was increasing. How could my beloved irigu lose? Ah well...

The orange team aka the "O-unit" deserved to win. They were a very compact team lead by raila "50 cent" odinga, Kalonzo "Lloyd banks" Musyoka, Uhuru "Young Buck" Kenyatta, William "Yayo" Ruto, Jebii "Olivia" Kilimo and many more. The banana team were running all over the place like headless chickens and the only reason they got the votes they did was the numerous voters from the Mount Kenya region. Lessons for the future I guess.

As we await the new cabinet and constitution, let's have a Tusker on me... By the way I am sure it's just me, but that NSSF advert is like someone has taken a dump in the loo... not a drop of water as they are trying to convince me...

P.S. "Not in My name" Saw this on CNN when the Americans and Brits were about to attack an innocent country called Iraq to search for WMDS. Just as the people in capitals all over the world were marching and telling the politicos not to invade. There is a bunch of politicos spewing crap that "Kenyans have said they want elections ... I assure that this is one Kenyan who asks" when did you ask for my opinion? Whatever you do, do not use my name...

>> Maybe Kalembe Bulworth has a point...

Its been a very weird week. The highlight for Kenya has to be the madness of the referendum. It has been a case of "Politicos behaving badly" as far as I was concerned. Both those for and against the new katiba in my view should be arrested and flogged at the town square as they were wont to do in the olden days.

One of the most scary things has to be the output that came from the rally in Kisumu in the past week. I was on RCbowen when to my shock I saw the words genocide for all kikuyus. I was baffled. More statements from people I consider friends some very educated shocked me even further. It was with a heavy heart that I retired over the weekend.

"Start fucking till we are one big Kenyan tribe" says Kalembe bulworth!

Enter Kalembe Ndile. Now theres this movie that was produced in the late 90's called "Bulworth". I think that the movie stars Warren Beaty (not sure) and Halle Berry (very sure!). A white senator apparently loses it and starts behaving like a black pal. The most interesting thing that relates to this blog happened when he was at a studio.

The guy was asked how he the race problem in America would be solved once a for all. His solution? Kill all white people, black people and all people of all colours. He had a simple way of effecting this. Simply that all races would keep fucking until they were the same colour.

Kalembe Ndile has been operating not unlike Bulworth over the last few day during the referendum nuttiness. His take this past weekend on the whole tribal mess that we are in is this. You are ordered not to bring a bride or groom of the same tribe from the same tribe as yourself. So kyuks should only marry non kyuks, jangos non-jangos, kaleos non-kaleos, kaos non-kaos... you get the drift. Its not a bad idea if you ask me. We too should keep fucking until we are one huge Kenyan tribe. It might take some time but its the only way from out of this idiocy that we have been foisted on by our founding fathers.

Loving that new single from the kanteda himself Chris Kantai.

>> A week of disasters, frights and my beef with the media houses

There’s this story about Chicken Little. He was a chicken that went around the prairie screaming "the cow is falling on our head". Disney has already made a movie about it and should be premiering worldwide on Nov 4. In Kenya, we too have our own chicken little. Raila and Kalonzo kindly told us that the sky is falling. Should the new constitution be adopted, it apparently would start a culture of Kenyans and military coups.



Well as expected, the uproar was quite a bit. Kibaki led the charge with "wewe ni pumbavu" with the security and justice ministers close behind. The ministers stood by their statement.

This week however was especially special for one story I watched on NTV. There is this cow that has to have a drink of lager every day to operate. I kid you not. I was amazed to see the cow go around the pubs in this township seeking its dealer...Finally it got to the dude and got its taste of the finest beer products from East African breweries.


Another day, another tusker

Apart from this amazing story, it was a sad time to be a Nigerian. In fact, I have to give my condolences to the people of Nigeria for losing both a first lady and a plane load of their countrymen.

Talking of African brotherhood, I must say that I am always so disappointed by the attitude the media houses have towards the African continent. Lets look for instance at the weather forecast. Should I have been running the organisations, I would ensure one of two things after doing Kenyan weather. Either there would be a regional weather segment with forecasts for Kampala, Dar, Arusha, Kigali and other regional cities. This would then be followed by African weather where we can throw in Lagos, Accra, jo'burg, cairo et al. This way, one can know the weather pictures in those cities which we have more trade with regionally than the cities further afield.

This goes for currencies. They have got it all the wrong side up. They should start first with the regional currencies then end with the dollar and yen and those others. And can they start giving the Kenyan exchange rate to the Yuan already. Anyone with half a brain knows that they are making you talk Chinese yawa!